I have been asking myself about the most valuable gift that I received this year 2020? The kind of gift that pushed me to be a better person, helped me to overcome challenges, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and most importantly allowed me to stay authentic to myself. I realized friendship has been the most vital gift I received in the year 2020. Do I still need this gift for 2021? Yes, I need this gift to have the smooth year of 2021.
Indeed, friendship is the best gift you can ever receive from someone. This year has been full of ups and downs due to the pandemic whereby people ended up losing their jobs, loved ones, and being able to connect due to limited movements. With all this happening, people have been depressed and stressed to cope with the changes. We have needed friends to talk to for emotional support and financial support whenever necessary. I have counted on friends to overcome mood swings due to what was happening around me.
During these festive seasons, I wish everyone connects with the humans who bring the best out of you, hold a hand not only in bad times but all times, laugh together, cry together, share the big and small things, remind of how you’re blessed having them, and bring joy whenever around. 2021 holds its unique memories that are yet to come, and may we receive the most valuable gifts in our lives.
Earlier on Thanksgiving morning, I am sitting reflecting on my dating journey. I am in my apartment, roommates out of town, sitting on a couch sipping on warm milk and croissants. The sun is shining in from one of the windows directly to my seat. With a sigh of relief, I close the tab of one of my dating apps and begin reflecting. 2020 has been a year; my dating life has been something: a roller coaster, an adventure, and a tale to tell for generations. Hopefully, I became the epitome of women dating all over the world.
I began 2020, or the truth my senior year (late 2019), with a goal to date as much as possible or as me and my friends called it “get as many internships as possible before settling on one main job!” and that is what I did. As if the universe had listened to my joke, my wish was granted. On Christmas Eve it all began. Almost a year later, I have been on 6 dates, been in the talking stage with at least 10 guys, and have possibly two dates lined up this weekend. I have dated graduate students, professionals, trade school graduates, Christians, non-Christians, dads, black, white, and Indians. In conclusion, I have seen it all. In the end, all of them are men. Here is the list of the type of dudes I met, the lessons I learned, and how it turned into a self-discovery journey.
I began this journey with a happy-go-lucky attitude, and on December 24th, it all began. I was on my way to a Christmas dinner with friends.
The makeup was on point, and I looked really good. That is when I met one of my former classmates in the lobby of our building. He was a graduate student, Nigerian, and 28 years old. As we were chatting before I knew it, he was offering me and my friends a ride to the restaurant. As soon we went into the car, it became a ride from hell. We were 8 People in a corolla. The guy could not listen to the GPS and as a result, he dropped us in the middle of the street. I should have taken those and cues and ran for the hills, but I am all about giving chances, so I gave him a chance. He called me the next day to ask for a date, and two weeks later, we went out to the fanciest sushi restaurant. That is when I met the “I AM A NICE GUY”. I had never understood why nice guys finish last until I dated this dude.
As we sat in the restaurant, it became apparent he had never had sushi before. He had brought me to this place to impress me. He would pick me up, tell me of his business progresses, and whenever he finished telling me he would turn around to search for my look of approval and support. He asked me to be his girl at the end of the first date. That scared me, but I was impressed with this level of commitment. I decided to continue to a talking stage with no commitment. As the dates went on, the timeliness he showed initially slowly started to dwindle. Maybe he thought he had got me and in turn, he got to show his true colors. On the third date, My man communicated he would be two hours late five minutes before our scheduled date. I was already there. I tried to be understanding, had some drinks as I waited for him. When the two hours passed, I waited for 15 minutes more minutes and left. He dared to lie that he was at my apartment waiting for me to walk out so that he would give me a ride though we had previously agreed we would meet at the place. I was mad, furious, and most importantly awake.
According to Ramirez (2017), 70 % of middle school students read more than ten books a year, compared with only 49 % of high school students. Reading for pleasure is a great factor towards success later in life outside of education.
Reading is more helpful to us to get more information and different idea from different experts. Students should focus on reading different books where they can get reliable information. “Reading forced a meditative practice where we are forced to listen to the thoughts of a wise person” (Chad, n.d). Through reading, we trained our minds and travel the world mentally (Maurois, 2012).
Reading is helpful to develop the use of vocabulary and grammar. According to Bonfiglio, “reading books ensures that your child is exposed to vocabulary on different topics” (2017). Besides, “reading upgrade our mental operating system by upgrading our mind (speaking, writing and communicating), programming our mind through moving consciously into the flow state of another wise person is powerful” (Chad, n.d). We improve through reading, speaking, and writing, and communicating.
When people are provided opportunities to save safely and invest wisely, real economic development can occur. To celebrate World Saving Day in October last year (2020), we provided training and engaged saving schemes in Kopakama Coffee Cooperative, a cooperative under the Challenges Rwanda’s Coffee Market Building for People and Prosperity Project (CoPP). This training was a moment for the women leading their respective groups to reflect on how far they have come since starting the saving schemes. These savings have enabled them to make short and long-term investments, provide for their family health insurance, and pay school fees for children.
The efforts made by Challenges Rwanda’s project back national efforts. In 2019, the government of Rwanda introduced a saving scheme called “Ejo Heza” that was targeting 90% of the population who were not saving for their retirement (EJo Heza, n.d.). Ever since, lower institutions such as sectors and cells have been sensitizing people to save for their pension. These institutions are targeting saving schemes existing in these communities to include saving for retirement as part of their plan. For farmers to be able to save for the short and long term, it is crucial to build the capacity of saving schemes in terms of having the knowledge and necessary resources to invest and manage their resources. It is in this line that Challenges Rwanda started working with saving schemes in 8 coffee cooperatives and contributed to the initiation of new saving schemes. Today, there are 134 saving schemes existing in these communities that Challenges Rwanda is working with, of which 80% are women-led saving schemes.
Since beginning our work with the savings groups, Challenges has supported the development of improved laws and procedures governing the groups, bringing increased security, and facilitated the groups to think about meaningful investments of their finance to multiply returns. When included with growing their own coffee, which also boosts their contributions to the funds, we see an increase of involvement in economic activity. Ultimately, we hope this can contribute to closing the gap in financial inequality.
Challenges Rwanda
In addition, saving schemes have helped to increase the number of people working with financial institutions. Saving schemes have bank accounts in SACCOs and started requesting loans for their group projects. “SACCOs are Savings and Credit Cooperatives (Umurenge SACCOs) established in 2008 to boost up rural savings and provide Rwandans with loans to improve their earnings and enhance their livelihoods” (Rwanda Cooperative Agency, n.d.). It is on that note that members also opened accounts in SACCOs hence requesting personal loans and having personal savings. This would not have been possible without existing structures for coffee farmers such as cooperatives’ leadership and management team that follow up daily.
Finally, saving schemes are helping elderly farmers have a form of retirement cushion. Most of the savings schemes’ members are older people who tend to be the majority of coffee cooperative members. Those elder members started coffee farming back in the 1980’s when this was a popular crop that helped farmers to earn more income than other cash crops. Most members have however, not saved enough to retire in comfort. Saving schemes are helping older people including elderly women to save for their pension through Ejo Heza Program (meaning Bright Future). This government initiative is a defined contribution scheme. It allows everyone, and in this case, the farmers, the opportunity to decide how much they want to contribute. It is also flexible in terms of how frequent the person wants to contribute, either, daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or annually.
Challenges Rwanda
We know that saving schemes bring people to work together, provide loans amongst themselves, and collaborate on bigger projects/initiatives. We have seen an increase in the number of women saving schemes, elderly pension saving, and engagement with other established banking systems for both saving and loan purposes. This will undoubtedly improve the economic well-being of coffee cooperative members, and encourage greater economic equity for women. With this progress in mind, it is crucial to note that there is a need for future projects to emphasize on developing youth saving schemes within coffee cooperatives as a way to attract more youth and motivate the younger generation to consider the benefits and opportunities of improved financial management.
Part 3: Ghosts, Daughter Card, and Hook-up Culture
Then I moved to Wisconsin, the land of the crazy. If anyone wants to learn about modern dating this is the right place to date. I online dated let it be a Christian dating app or the regular OkCupid. The Christian app was so boring and dry that it was best to delete it. On OkCupid, I talked to plenty and I currently have over 700 matches though I spend little time. I met on there a manager of one of the local stores and when things started to get a little serious, he went silent. If I did not probe him, he would be mute. Then I remembered a conversation where a wise person said: “men are hunters and ladies should never have to hunt for the man!”. I placed the balls in his court, he never picked up and we both left them there.
As I talked to more men, the loneliness of knowing no one in this new city: I started to get a Lil desperate. And that is when I met the “DAUGHTER CARD”. One day, as I was sitting in a coffee shop a young man approached me. In the 20-minute conversation we had before he asked on a date, he had let me know he has a daughter and he does the daughter’s hair. Another time, I was also asked out by a 29-year old dad to a daughter. Though one was the Caribbean and another was a rural white American, they shared common similarities. 1)They indulge the information that they have daughters early on to convey that they care, and are responsible. Their daughters/children are props to make them look caring and responsible so that they can get you in bed. 2) When you want dates in public places not in his room “to watch a movie”, you will never hear from them. Hence, they did not indulge in the information that they have children on the first encounter to communicate that they know how to respect women, but they wanted pity and to get laid. LADIES BE EXTRA CAREFUL OF THESE MEN!
The last and probably my favorite category is the hookup culture. They want just that and they let you know very quickly. Here you are aware of the intentions and in turn, no one’s time is wasted. This is kinder different with Rwandan men who will come and lie everything and every time for the sake of sex.
Hook-up Culture
Just for amusement purposes, I attached some of the text exchanges I had with one of the hookup gods.
At the end of the day, I am sipping the last glass of my wine, I am at the stage of dating for fun, with zero strings attached, but I will also never give away my heart nor my vagina. I am no longer dating for marriage; I am dating for company and experience. I date as part of this journey called life. If I end up married, that is amazing. If I end up at 50 single with a fabulous life and have had several meaningful relationships along the way whether they were long-term or not I will be a happy woman. As I am getting ready for my 28th birthday soon, I am no longer sad or anxious that I am reaching that age contrary to society conditioning and self-expectation, single. As I live in this new city, with no family, no friends, and bigly single, I will always show up for myself. I will celebrate me, and I will live life with room to love me and those around me. That room full of love, I will sleep well in and my family. Guests from all over the world are welcome to stay.
PART 2: Next Move-the charmer versus the closefisted man
That is when I decided to break up with him. This was a chill coffee date in his car and that is when I told him that I don’t think it would work. He was on the verge of tears, and I couldn’t understand how only one month of dating can lead to such profound sadness. After I broke up with him he asked if he could hug me. The hug turned into a profuse hair smelling, one-sided grind and when I repelled and wanted out of the hug, he grabbed my face and wanted to force a kiss. I got furious and got out of the car. What shocked me is that he could not understand how wrong that was. What caught me the most is a sentence he uttered as I left “what happened, I have done everything right!”. This implied that he inadvertently believed that by playing and acting nice, he deserved it all. This was followed by months of incessant calling, leaving valentine gifts on my apartment though we broke up and me acting surprised when he called using another number telling him that I do not why his number can’t reach me though I blocked him.
I continued to date and in march before lockdown, I had another date. He was a white, 26-year-old accountant who had managed to buy a house in the city at such a young age. He was money savvy almost to the point of having a membership and discounts to most of the restaurants we went to and always paying in cash. He was slightly paranoid but open to learning about me, my culture, my religion, and my faith. We lacked chemistry, and I could see us having a longtime friendship but not a romantic connection. We both understood this concept and said adieu but check on each other once in a blue moon. It has always been important for me to realize that something wasn’t meant to be and move on earlier. As if he precedented the closing of the chapter of great men after we left I started talking to another man.
He was 28, Sudanese, a civil engineer, and an extreme charmer. We talked for over a month before he drove for one hour to go on our first date. It became the best date I had ever been on. The conversation was smooth, the chemistry was insane, and had we stayed a minute longer my heart, my legs, and my entire being would have turned into a puddle. As if fate would have it, our date happened just two days before I moved from that town to another place 23 hours away. Had we met earlier, I do not know what would have happened. I am thankful that we met then because it reminded me that great and accomplished men would be attracted to me just the way I am. It reminded me that I deserve the best and to never settle for less.
Once Amela Koluder said, “a refugee is someone who survived and who can create the future ”(n.d). In Rwanda, there are three refugee camps that are the result of insecurities in D.R.Congo and Burundi. These are people who are trying so hard to create a better future by being involved in different socio-economic activities. They receive support from the United Nations body that is there to help refugees known as UNHCR though they need economic development and sustainability.
In June 2012, Kigeme Refugee Camp was opened after Congolese refugees flew to Rwanda. After three months, the camp was acting as a habitant for 14,000 refugees whereby 40% of them were children (Kigeme Refugee Camp, 2012). In the same year, this district was a home for 341,491 Rwandans; therefore, this group of refugees from D.R.Congo was the minority group that resided in Nyamagabe (NYAMAGABE, 2012). Back in 2009, this same camp was a home for Burundians.
This was the group that needed access to health, security, food, and other necessities. Most important, this group was composed of 40% who are children who needed access to education. The 60% was the group need to find sources of income as to support their families and enhance their well-being. As they settled there, they started to be involved in different income generation activities such as soap making, shoe repairing, hair branding, and other actions that do not large amount of seed capital. This demonstrated their eagerness to be part of the socio-economic development.
At the end of the Millennium Development Goals, 2011’s World Report documented why how nations with conflicts were not making progress to bring peace to their nations. It’s hard to attain sustainable development without peace and security in our nations as to why these serve as the foundation of our countries’ growth (Okonjo-Iweala, 2010). “Peace and Justice” Strong Institutions was among the set among the other Sustainable Development Goal SDGS). It is among the goals that are to help to transform the world and raise the political, economic, and social welfare of people (United Nations).
With the study case of Rwanda, one may ask; what has she done to attain peace and unity after the 1994 Genocide? What have been the areas of intervention to bring source and harmony among the victims and perpetrators?
Once the former Secretary General of United Nations, “we can no longer afford to minimize or ignore the contributions of women and girls to all stages of conflict resolution, peacemaking, peace-building, peacekeeping and reconstruction processes. Sustainable peace will not be achieved without the full and equal participation of women and men” (Kofi Annan). He mentions the role of equipping women to contribute to peacebuilding in their societies, and this has been one of the ways used by the government to reach this goal.
Involvement of women in Decision Making (Political Positions and Peace Building Initiatives)
In 2003, the Constitution set 30% to be the number of women elected positions, and this served as an entrance for women involvement in decision making. Ever since then, women have led on the journey of decision making in which forming justice reforms was inclusive.
The 2009-2012 National Action Plan (NAP) built capacity for women in relation to conflict prevention, management, and peace processes. Women gain knowledge and experience with conflict resolution is one of the ways used to enhance women’s involvement (Gender Monitoring Office).
At the end of the Millennium Development Goals, 2011’s World Report documented why how nations with conflicts were not making progress to bring peace to their nations. It’s hard to attain sustainable development without peace and security in our nations as to why these serve as the foundation of our countries’ growth (Okonjo-Iweala, 2010). “Peace and Justice” Strong Institutions was among the set among the other Sustainable Development Goal SDGS). It is among the goals that are to help to transform the world and raise the political, economic, and social welfare of people (United Nations).
With the study case of Rwanda, one may ask; what has she done to attain peace and unity after the 1994 Genocide? What have been the areas of intervention to bring source and harmony among the victims and perpetrators?
Once the former Secretary General of United Nations, “we can no longer afford to minimize or ignore the contributions of women and girls to all stages of conflict resolution, peacemaking, peace-building, peacekeeping and reconstruction processes. Sustainable peace will not be achieved without the full and equal participation of women and men” (Kofi Annan). He mentions the role of equipping women to contribute to peacebuilding in their societies, and this has been one of the ways used by the government to reach this goal.
Involvement of women in Decision Making (Political Positions and Peace Building Initiatives)
In 2003, the Constitution set 30% to be the number of women elected positions, and this served as an entrance for women involvement in decision making. Ever since then, there was change with the narrative and perception about women. The 2009-2012 National Action Plan (NAP) built capacity for women in relation to conflict prevention, management, and peace processes. Women gain knowledge and experience with conflict resolution is one of the ways used to enhance women’s involvement (Gender Monitoring Office).
Dependency indicates that “I am not whole, in and of myself,” and that “I am needing another in order to be whole”; and that is not the case with you or with us. In fact, this question really points us towards a very important premise, or basis, for good relationships : When people feel insecure in their singularity, and so seek a compassion to shore them up, the relationship is never stable, because it is on an unstable footing. But when two people who are independently secure and in alignment with their respective inner beings join together, now their relationship has a solid footing. In other words, they are not dependent upon each other for resources. They are getting those resources from Source, and now they can interact and co-create from that solid basis.
When two or more minds come together that are positivity focused upon a subject, those…
Ndabaga 